Hey baby, I’m Gingerome, the horny gingerbread man. I’m raising my thick white eyebrows at you because I like what I see, girl. And no, my eyebrows are not made of royal icing. You know what they’re made of girl, yes you do, with your fine ass sugarplum self. I bet you’re as moist as molasses in a fruit cake, mmmmmm yeah. Make me wanna shoot my eggnog all over, but not yet, cuz Gingerome has stamina. I’m like a Chanukah miracle, girl – I may not seem like much, but watch me last eight long, oily nights.

Say, girl, a little reindeer told me you might be on the naughty list. You’re lucky I like ‘em naughty, but I know you want something rock hard in your stocking this year, and I don’t mean coal. Don’t worry, girl, I can help a ho ho ho out. First I’m gonna smack that honey-glazed ham you call a booty with this here candy cane. Then I’m gonna watch you untangle alllll these Xmas lights, because I’m gonna need a lot of length to tie you to this tree right here.

I invited Santa’s elves over to join us, I hope you don’t mind. Gingerome likes to share his toys, and these packages right here are full of all of Gingerome’s most special toys. So let’s count down this ball drop and get ready to jingle a whole lot of bells, girl, cuz it’s gonna be anything but a silent night. Happy fucking holidays, indeed.