“And Sailor Steve gave Amethystina the kiss of true love, and he moved into her Diamond Dream Palace where they had a billion million jillion babies and lived happily ever after,” said Leah as she jammed the two dolls together on the pink plastic jewel-encrusted mattress and made wet kissy sounds.

“Leah! Lunchtime!” called Leah’s mom from downstairs.

“Just a second, mom!” Leah yelled, violently smashing the dolls’ crotches together.

“It’s egg salad, your favorite!”

“Coming!” Leah leapt up, dropping the dolls in a loose sixty-nine.

The playroom door slammed closed and Sailor Steve kicked his bell-bottomed legs free of Amethystina’s. “Gross, slut, get off me!” he hissed, scrambling backwards.

“Always a pleasure, Stevey,” Amethystina growled, propping herself up with one purple arm and puckering her lips in Steve’s direction as he skipped off toward his mustachioed boyfriend, Rodeo Randy. She sighed and rummaged in her glittery fanny pack for a candy cigarette as she watched Steve grope the smooth featureless groin of Randy’s painted-on dungarees. A lid for every pot, she thought, every pot but Amethystina’s.

But she had no real complaints. She had the Diamond Dream Palace with the molten gold jacuzzi and the sapphire sauna and the topaz toilet. So why was she feeling so maudlin today? She laid back on her jewel-encrusted mattress and closed her eyes.

“Surprise, bitch, happy birthday.” Amethystina looked up to find a giant pink horse’s face hovering over her. It was her best friend, Raspberri the Fashion Star Filly. She dropped this card onto the bed.

“You remembered!”

“How could I forget? It’s written on your box. Now go fire up the Crystal Convertible and let’s drive down to Wetsy’s. It’s Ladies Night and I wanna make out with some toy soldiers.”